Oh hey self destructive behavior! How are you this evening?

Ah Damnit.  Apparantly I'm on a quest to eat all of the junk food in my house.  Donuts, chips and Pepsi.  But the real kicker is that while eating this crap, I'm looking through Gap.com and reminiscing the (very long ago) days that I wore such clothing. Because despite all of my rantings on being an individual with quirky tastes in music, movies and books, I love me some classic preppy clothing.  I have just gotten some clothes ordered from Old Navy, which we all know is Gap for fat poor people.

My mother was very consious to dress me in well made clothes as I grew up.  I hit puberty and a growth spurt fairly early, and was wearing Gap clothing (not Gap kids) by the time I was 10. It was a very different time in my family. My father was still around (in a very loose sense of he still occasionaly slept under the same roof) and even though he was doing fuck all with his income without my mother's knowledge, she was under the impression that things were ok financially.  So she'd get me some nice clothes from Gap.  It was nice while it lasted. Buy the time I was 14 or 15, I had become too fat to wear Gap, and since my father had officially left we were too poor to afford it anyhow. 

So I've been eating junk and looking at clothes I can't wear.  Fun night huh?

There are several online clothing stores that I LOVE though.  If anybody actually reads this blog, here's a list of my faves:

For everday stuff, I'm partial to http://www.oldnavy.com/.  Inexpensive, frequent sales and coupons, mostly cute stuff.  Sometimes the materials are a bit on the thin side, but thats why we layer.  They cut WAY bigger than any other place I've ever gotten clothes, which is nice.  I'm not always maxing out on the largest size there. Leaves some wiggle room.

Dresses/Chic work wear: http://www.kiyonna.com/. I FREAKING LOVE Kiyonna.  I've gotten some dresses and some shirts from them.  Incredible quality, timeless style that is specifically designed for plus size instead of being an afterthought (like old navy).  Sizing is pretty spot on.  So chic and sexy, if I were rich I would get all my clothes from them.  Only downside is that they do not have pants (pants are really hard to do right, so i respect that they are sticking with what they do well, dresses, skirts and shirts). 

Shoes: http://www.payless.com/ and http://www.avenue.com/.  Payless is a no brainer. Wide sizes, relevent styles, decent quality considering the prices.  I got a pair of sexy high heels from Avenue, and they are my go to sexy shoes.  Made for larger gals, so the shoes are very supportive and fairly comfy. 

Jeans, pants, under garments, : the only stuff I still get at http://www.lanebryant.com/.  I find that their shirts are cut small, espescially for my chest.  But I love their jeans.  I bought a slim fit jean a few weeks ago at a friends insistance.  It was a bit wierd at first wearing jeans that were touching my legs all over, but now I love them. 

The one place I have not yet ordered from: http://www.igigi.com/.  They won plus sized fashion retailer award at Plus Size Fashion Week a few weeks ago.  Gabourdey Sidibe wore one of their dresses in an awards show this spring.  They get rave reviews on all the items they sell.  I wish I could afford it!! Guess I need to stop spending money on junk food and use it on one of their less expensive dresses. 

So tomorrow is a new day.  Let's see how I do. 

Beware! Random thoughts running wild in this post!

So I went to a little game night with my husband last night.  It was thrown and attended by his old college buddies and their friends.  So I knew like one person there outside of my husband.  I am violently shy when meeting people for the first time.  I imagine that they are judging me, that they think I'm an unfunny walrus.  Of course these people were nice and I was worried about nothing.  There was another girl "of size" there, which helped me feel a little more comfortable.  I'm 5'6 and weigh 330 lbs, so I am often the largest person wherever I go in social aspects.  So last night I didn't feel like a complete freak.  I'm ashamed that I did attempt to compare my size to this other girl's size.  Not because I'm judging her, but it helps me mentally picture myself accurately.  In my mind I am this walking blob of shame, and I am incredibly larger than any other person I know.  I know this isn't true, but I can't stop seeing myself this way.  So, long story short, it was a decent evening (despite the random toothless methhead), and I'm not sure if that girl's butt was bigger than mine or not.

So I had a really interesting idea for either my husband's upcoming birthday present or our 4th wedding anniversery.  Boudoir Photography.  Now that I've revealed my wieght, this idea may seem odd.  I am pasty white.  I have cellulite and a few stretchmarks (one of the many perks of being overweight since being 7 years old-I've slowly gained wieght for the last almost 20 years so it was never a huge stretchmark making shock to my body).  I've found a place in OKC that is run by women (I couldn't handle a man being involved).  They would do the hair, makeup, extremely flattering light and photoshopping.  I'd just bring me and my 48DDDs.  If I have anything, it's a pretty face and mind boggling cleavage. My struggles with low self esteem has a big affect on our relationship, and I'm wondering if doing some saucy pictures will help take me out of myself and show my husband that I'm trying to see myself as he sees me. 

This is me and my man a few weeks ago at his little bro's wedding.  Now, if a photographer can photoshop my double chin into oblivion, that alone will be worth the 300+ dollars.

Curse you damn sun!!

I live in Oklahoma. Although it was nice that our summer heat took a while to get here, it is now officially here. And it's not just hot, it's humid (of course).  Summer is the time to wear shorts and tank tops and put long hair in pony tails.  But it takes alot of alcohol or a severe emergency to get me out of the house in any of these summery fashions.  So in my adventures across my college campus today I sweated like a hooker in church. Thank the gods for central air. 

*tap tap*. . . Is this thing on?

So, here I go again. This is my second attempt at blogging to help in my wieght loss adventure. I need serious help, so I'm going to do whatever it takes.

Unfortunately, I'm not restarting my mindful eating habits until Monday or whenever we (my husband and I) are blessed with a paycheck. When you have $30 to spend on groceries and a very picky husband who is not so into fruit and veggies but loves hot dogs, hamburgers and anything that contains un-godly amounts of salt, then the healthy stuff kinda goes out the window.

My first successfull attempt to lose wieght started in January '09 and lasted through the summer until I fell extremely ill due to scary amounts of mold in our rent house. I lost 40 lbs in that, if you count the 10 lbs I lost when I was sick. I counted the dreaded WW points, worked out, ect. But when my lungs turned into a science experiment, it all came to a screaching halt. Its been 10 months since then. I've had short bursts of optimism and hope, followed by long periods of putting myself absolutely last.

One of my problems is my dedication to my education. I am a senior music education major. If you've never known a music ed. major, then let me quickly describe to you the craziness that is our lives. We rehearse for hours and hours a day; we take some incredibly complex and mentally draining classes that call on our creativity as well as our knowledge on very obscure things; we teach private lessons; we practice our primary instrument as well as the myriad of others that we are required to have a working knowledge of; and to top it all off we have to take education courses that are time and labor intensive but completely useless for our specialization. Then we all go out and try to make a decent wage at a resturaunt, Starbucks, teaching, playing weddings, what have you. Oh, and it's a 5 year degree no matter how you cut it at most state schools. As I make my way toward graduating, it has become normal to have 15 hour days at school for weeks on end. So to say that time is scarce would be an understatement.

Being married is also a challenge to me losing weight. My husband is also overweight, but hasn't had his moment yet. He hasn't quite realized how serious it is that we get in shape. He is not a health food nut at all. So I struggle to figure out what to feed him and I so we don't die of either complete boredom or heart attacks. Marriage also puts a time constraint on me.

Take all this, and add the fact that we are retarded with money and sometimes just scraping until the next paycheck (like this week!)

So, these are the things I whine about when I know I need to get back to living healthfully. Are they excuses? No. I know it's completely lame, and I know people in much more difficult circumstances have lost weight. I'm just being a whiny butt.