So I went to a little game night with my husband last night. It was thrown and attended by his old college buddies and their friends. So I knew like one person there outside of my husband. I am violently shy when meeting people for the first time. I imagine that they are judging me, that they think I'm an unfunny walrus. Of course these people were nice and I was worried about nothing. There was another girl "of size" there, which helped me feel a little more comfortable. I'm 5'6 and weigh 330 lbs, so I am often the largest person wherever I go in social aspects. So last night I didn't feel like a complete freak. I'm ashamed that I did attempt to compare my size to this other girl's size. Not because I'm judging her, but it helps me mentally picture myself accurately. In my mind I am this walking blob of shame, and I am incredibly larger than any other person I know. I know this isn't true, but I can't stop seeing myself this way. So, long story short, it was a decent evening (despite the random toothless methhead), and I'm not sure if that girl's butt was bigger than mine or not.
So I had a really interesting idea for either my husband's upcoming birthday present or our 4th wedding anniversery. Boudoir Photography. Now that I've revealed my wieght, this idea may seem odd. I am pasty white. I have cellulite and a few stretchmarks (one of the many perks of being overweight since being 7 years old-I've slowly gained wieght for the last almost 20 years so it was never a huge stretchmark making shock to my body). I've found a place in OKC that is run by women (I couldn't handle a man being involved). They would do the hair, makeup, extremely flattering light and photoshopping. I'd just bring me and my 48DDDs. If I have anything, it's a pretty face and mind boggling cleavage. My struggles with low self esteem has a big affect on our relationship, and I'm wondering if doing some saucy pictures will help take me out of myself and show my husband that I'm trying to see myself as he sees me.
This is me and my man a few weeks ago at his little bro's wedding. Now, if a photographer can photoshop my double chin into oblivion, that alone will be worth the 300+ dollars.
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